Read from July 01, 2010 to July 11, 2011
Irreverent, sacrilegious and ridiculously funny! Who said all that religious education was a waste? Just make sure you you aren't in a quiet place when you're reading this because you'll be breaking out into laughter every few minutes!
The biggest disappointment with the book was that there wasn't any Monty Python allusions. That would have been awesome. The first half is certainly more funny than the back section
A few choice quotes:
Joshua and I played at being rabbis, and he insisted that we stick to the authentic Hebrew for our ceremonies. It was more fun that it sounds, or at least, until my mother caught us trying to circumcise my little brother Shem with a sharp rock. What a fit she threw. And my argument that Shem needed to renew his covenant with the Lord didn't seem to convince her. She beat me to stripes with an olive switch and forbade me to play with Joshua for a month. Did I mention she was besought with demons?
Overall I think it was good for little Shem. He was the only kid I ever knew who could pee around corners. You can make a pretty good living as a beggar with that kind of talent. And he never ever thanked me.
Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....
The medium obscured the message.
Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable."
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.
You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heaven
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.
Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy"
Blessed are the dumbfucks.
Biff: "Actually , I thought I'd stay Josh. Your mother needs someone to look after her, and she's still a relatively attractive woman. I mean a guy could do worse"
Josh: "I've got to think that that was unethical,"
Biff: "Josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed."
Josh: "How is it like a mustard seed?"
Biff: "You don't know, do you? Doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? Now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? Huh?"